i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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