Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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