Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I need a beard to bite.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
