if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
