Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
