Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
