gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize