Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
