ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
