Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
