i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
