Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
