I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize