if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
