Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
