I will die if light touches me.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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