Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
