Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
