dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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