It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
