But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
