Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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