Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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