I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
