I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
