I wish my penis had an off switch
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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