Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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