Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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