he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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