im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
