I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
