I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We're too hungover to prance.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
