tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You dont lie about slip and slides
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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