I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
