I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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