(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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