She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
