i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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