Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
