hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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