wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
