Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
