i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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