Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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