What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
