Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize