i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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