Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just want to make out with him forever
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
