let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
