There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
