i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
last night I used snow as a chaser
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
