so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
