i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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