are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
