The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
