Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
