i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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