I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
